A rchive Date
[ 11-12-2001 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Canada ]
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[http://www.canoe.ca/Columnists/dunford_dec11.html
Martin's op-portunity
Finance minister more than willing to work the cameras - for pocket change
By GARY DUNFORD - Toronto Sun
December 11, 2001
SCROOGE LIVES! So the only way working stiffs can squeeze a dime of relief from Paul Martin is to beg for spare change while video news crews buzz around him like happy bees. Why yes my good man. Here's a quarter for you. Call someone who cares.
"The only thing more phony than Martin pressing ready change into that street guy's hand," complains Jack E., "was every TV newscast unspooling it at us as if this were an improv snippet of reality. Did you see how Martin repeatedly tapped the guy's hand to extend the moment, so even the slowest camera dude could catch it? Ye gods, how dumb do they think we are?"
We both know the answer to that. Page Six would be willing to give the finance minister the trophy for Most Cynical Photo Opportunity of the Year if it hadn't wept like a baby at the holy vision of kneeling NDP madonna Alexa McDonough head shrouded for Afghan prayer at a camera-friendly mosque. It will be a photo finish.
But who can blame the homeless for realizing they make more money out of Martin's photo ops than invisible chats with the prime minister at midnight? Everybody loves that little homeless guy! Which ambitious political lizard will claim him? Who gets custody?
SCARED STRAIGHT:
"Wanna get Bin Laden?" asks Edward M. "Immobilize the Evil One with Canadian culture. Send in our Masturbating Mexican." Canada's uncanny "artistic" display of seven test tubes of semen hanging between trees might do the trick. But if they don't, how about the Brit artist who won thousands for his completely empty room, lit by a single light? Flip that switch. Lights out, Osama. Oooh, scarrrry! And from J.R.: "I laughed at Osama Lama Ding Dong. But wasn't it a song? It rings a bell." A riff on Rama Lama Ding Dong, a hit for the Edsels in 1961, also immortalized by the Chipmunks.
AGS ON THE ROOF:
"I love the lights at Christmas," confesses Dave K. "Seeing them makes me feel good, Dunf. I guess I'm old-fashioned because I like plain old coloured strings the best. I like them wrapped around shrubs to make them look like Christmas trees or along an eavestrough to outline the roof. But when did purple - or fuchsia - become a Christmas colour? I say red-green-yellow-blue-red-green-yellow-blue are Christmas colours. But you can't buy a string of multi-coloured lights without purple!" I blame Kwanza. Even the purplest string of lights beats those droopy "icicle"strands. Hang rags from the roof or the mismatched remnants of your lost sock bag: same difference. In Santa Claus, Ind., they're only using red, white and blue this year. Conflict of interest declaration: I'm a "clear" bulb guy.
407 FOLLIES:
"I made one quick trip on the 407 ETR last month, Dufferin to Leslie," grumps Allan M. "Ninety-two cents. Plus $2 account fee, $2 non-transponder fee, 14c GST. Total $5.06. Five times the actual mean-ass toll fee! And they're hiking the rates? Soon it will be cheaper to buy a transponder and never drive the highway than to be an occasional impulse customer!" But that's the point, isn't it? Predictable monthly transponder cash flow for the soul-less lizards who own the highway, whether you use it or not. Doesn't the monthly minimum charge for nothing work for Bell and Hydro? Toll pirates take their lead from the best. The Planet of the Apes monkeys run the 407. Their motto: Kill them all.
DOCTOR MY EYES!
"My husband and I were really disappointed in the lights at Nathan Phillips Square," e-mails B.C. "We both thought it was in poor taste and gaudy ... In your paper next to Adopt-A-Family is a picture of this god-awful tree. Come on, Mayor Lastman! Get your priorities straight. If you lit a few trees around City Hall and the rink only, it would be classier. Then all the money spent on this huge tree plus the lights could help a family or the homeless this year - not the most lights you could find!" Too much purple, I say. At least they haven't hung those raggy icicle things between the two towers yet. Next year, they say Mel's adding a neon kitchen sink.
STUPID WEB ACCESS:
"I had to get a new computer to access my finances because of my bank's new crypto security," complains G.G. "Yet when I phone about my password, they give it to me as they would to anyone with minimal knowledge of my affairs. I think their software is developed by kids and people in senior positions have no knowledge of the systems. I'd love to see the presidents of banks and wireless companies forced to access their sites over a 9600 baud wireless link in front of a large audience, with the laptop display projected on a screen for everyone to see. Heads would roll the next day." Do you think any executives @rogers.com wasted days reconfiguring their e-mail accounts? Or waiting on hold for minimal tech support? Did any miss a meal? I think not.
© 2001 Gary Dunford
Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at pagesix@aol.com. Or visit his home page]
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