A rchive Date
[ 18-08-2005 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ U.S ]
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[http://www.canoe.ca/NewsStand/Columnists/Toronto/Gary_Dunford/2004/10/28/688085.html
Voters like dorks, not doofuses
By GARY DUNFORD - For the Toronto Sun
Thu, October 28, 2004
IT'S NOOK-U-LUR: So we both know who will be elected U.S. president next week. The doofus. Not the dork. Every clue to American culture tells you people always prefer the doofus. Dorks rub people the wrong way. Ask Al Gore. Bob Dole. Ralph Nader.
It doesn't matter the world beyond U.S. borders roots for the dork. It has nothing to do with smarts. Folks tolerate, even admire a doofus. They avoid dorks. Dorks are no fun. Doofuses - Doofum? Doofi? - often are.
You don't need polls to measure the bath water of America ...
Are they more likely to watch Donald Trump ... or Charlie Rose?
Do they root for Bugs Bunny ... or Elmer Fudd?
In an election between Homer Simpson and Ned Flanders, would voters choose the candidate who promises to drop more doughnuts on Iraq? Or one who pleads we beat swords into plowshares? Abso-diddily-doo. Homer in a walk.
Besides, as comic Bill Maher reminds us: God is a flip-flopper. Telling Bush he does God's work. And Kerry war is wrong. "God," mimics Maher in the dark menace of attack ads: "Wrong on the war. Wrong for America."
When George Dubya Bush talks about having to look up something on "the internets" or the threat of suitcase-sized "nook-u-lar" weapons, doesn't it radiate an irresistible doofus charm?
Voters feel better about the sad prospect of having to choose between a doofus and a dork. It reinforces the idea: Hey, this guy is like me. Doesn't put on airs. Not like the snobby guy. With the weird wife. Better doofus than a dork.
Bush puppetmaster Karl Rove probably gives the president an index card of pre-mangled words each week. Edge-zazz-er-a-shun. Ree-spons-a-bull-it-ee. AL-kyyyyd-ah. Brother of Al Jolson. Genius.
Which line made more voters' heads nod yesterday? Kerry's claim Bush is "dodging, bobbing and weaving?" Or Papa Bush's joke that if "Barbara Bush gets her hands on Kerry, he may get another Purple Heart?" (Rimshot).
Dorks don't tell jokes well. That's why their wives so often have to supply the punch line. It don't come natural. You pretend to laugh. But a doofus can tell a joke so well, beer squirts out your nose. And his.
Dorks lack charm and people skills.
Can you believe Teresa Heinz-Kerry put a recipe for pumpkin spice cookies in the Family Circle bakeoff against Laura Bush's oatmeal-chocolate chunk? What was she thinking? Americans want crunch! Substance! Not a weenie flatbread with suspect spices imported from God-knows-where.
A ketchup cookie could have been good. Too late now. Roll the dice.
A majority of Bush supporters believe the world is only 5,000 years old.
Many Americans have been snatched aboard UFOs or have friends who were. There were anal probes and cold, alien fingers. The moonwalk was fake. The world is awash in Sasquatch babies. No wonder they're scared.
Voters don't want new ideas. They want reassurance. An extra blanket in the bunker. For god's sake, tuck me in.
The war? It's going well, thanks. Just an especially sandy episode of Fear Factor. Canada isn't the only country ruled by fibbers who say what they think we want to hear. Ours are a tad more bland and bloodless.
"But wait a minute," you cry. "If the doofus always beats a dork, why is this election too close to call?"
Check the definitions. A doofus is "a dimwit, nitwit, stupid or incompetent person." But a dork is "a stupid, inept, stodgy or foolish person." Dorks also believe they understand The Lord of the Rings. Only voters can tell the subtle difference.
I wrote a column recently that failed to give President Bush the respect he deserves. It compared him to Forrest Gump.
"How Canadian," e-mails Marsha, who apparently isn't. "Sneer you smug, armchair quarterbacks, lampreys on the back of a whale. Your own country is a liberal, patchwork quilt of malfeasance, a royalty-stealing, top-heavy boondoggle. And you sit there in your stupor, with bashing America as your only outlet."
Is the question if a doofus will beat a dork?
Or instead, how do we cheer systems that encourage, elevate, reward and bless political mediocrity?
© 2003 Gary Dunford
Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at: pagesix@aol.com Letters to the editor should be sent to: editor@tor.sunpub.com Home Page
 World Fact Book (CIA)]
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