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Driven To Distractions©
The Sound of One Hand Clapping©

A rchive Date
[ 30-05-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
      [Got elephant repellent yet?
      By GARY DUNFORD
      Toronto Sun
      December 19, 1999

      CHICKEN LITTLE: I have my stash of firewood and kibble. I've pasted that new image of Jesus to the wall, the odd unisex one that looks like Bob Marley's sister. I am ready. Good-bye millennial angst. Soon, the horn blows at midnight. Let the sky fall where it may.

      Those of us who worship at the First Church of the Apocalypse believe in Chicken Little, idiot hero of nursery tales. When an acorn fell on the chicken's head, he went nuts. As Pastor Bob told us:

      "It's when Chicken Little isn't running through the barnyard screaming, 'The sky is falling!' you have to worry. Sure, he scared Henny Penny and Foxy Loxy and Goosey-Loosey, but they were ready, weren't they? Warned! Alert! Prepared for anything! If Chicken Little doesn't sound an alarm -- that's when the darn sky is gonna sneak up and fall on you."

      With our rabid Y2K prep, the billions poured down computer-fix rat holes, I think we've aced the Chicken Little thing. We have been sore afraid. All that's left now is ... the horrible anticlimax. Three ... two ... one ... hey, the lights stayed on. The ATM still works. And there's a dial tone! Is that all there is?

      We bought all this elephant repellent and the elephants didn't come. Darn.

      Still, we have a few more precious days to worry. I welcome the last-minute flyer from my municipality, a why-aren't-you-scared-yet "Y2K Newsletter."

      - "The hospital will remain open and deal with emergency services only. No non-essential services will be delivered." This is definitely a win-win. The nearest boneworks won't deliver either at midnight now.
      - "Fire halls will be manned on New Year's Eve from 11 p.m. to 2 a.m. If there is no phone service, fires can be reported in person at these halls." Or just crank up the portable generator and flash the Bat Light in the sky.
      - "The water tower will be filled the evening of Dec. 31. The sewage plant will be operated by generator." Squeegee kids will direct commuters at traffic light-less intersections. Hand signal before turning while walking to work in subway tunnels.
      Kick in the workplace door if pass card fails.
      - "We survived the Ice Storm. We can cope If We Are Prepared." A warm heart can repel the darkest freezing drizzle. Think warm thoughts. Christmas? Cookies? Candy? Hey, I can fly!

      Just remember: nothing's gonna happen, but everybody get ready for something to happen.

      Chicken Little rules. Panic is good. Yelling works. Hyperventilate often. Be calm. And be sore afraid. Mixed signals.

      But staring into the comforting eyes of Bob Marley's sister, I take comfort.

      I've almost completed my Predictions for The Next Century -- one of many editorial gotta-haves here at The Sun for year-end packages. All mugshot swine have been ordered to produce 10 Greatest Books I've Read lists, who I'd invite to dinner from the last 1,000 years, etc. The predictions I've scribbled so far ...

      Animals will learn to speak English. Pets will have the amazing ability to communicate with their owners. They will be able to speak clearly: "Where's my dinner, dammit?" and "Where did you go last night?" Perhaps, "Give me 10 bucks and the keys to the car." That Eureka moment: Dogs are just fuzzy teenagers.

      In January, scientists will realize it's not the roll-over from 99 to 00 that's the Y2K problem. It's the move from 00 to ... one. What if it stays at zero forever? Another year of frantic jiggery-pokery and billion-dollar computer fixes. Ordinary Joes will get one more chance to buy generators.

      Mike Bullard will beat Mike Harris in an election. It won't be funny.

      For the next 100 years, people will stage Y2K parties every Dec. 31. These theme parties will allow 'em to use up their stockpile of candles and tinned tuna. Unless they've already used them for the real thing.

      Have the merriest of Christmases and the brightest Y2K night ever. See you again on the second day of the sweet, new year.

      © 1998 Gary Dunford Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at pagesix@aol.com.


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