A rchive Date
[ 11-06-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
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[The final answer on Canuck millionaires
By EARL McRAE Ottawa Sun
June 11, 2000
As Joe screamed and hollered in the beer commercial: We're different from the Americans, we march to our own drum, it's damn well time the Americans respected that and, in case the point is lost, CTV has decided to copy the Americans with its own Who Wants To Be A Millionaire show from the American studio where the American show is produced.
Canadian content regulations will be served by Pamela Wallin playing Regis; Canadian contestants; and, presumably, a Canadian studio audience which, unless CTV plans to U-Haul a bunch of Canucks down, will be cardboard cutouts in toques and looking self-conscious, sleeping, or dead.
Personally, I think it's a terrible idea, this show, because it's going to reinforce for the Americans everything they think is goofy, dozy, and pathetic about us.
My advice to any Canadian wanting to get on the show is don't do it, think of your reputation; do you want to be the laughingstock of millions of people watching and all your colleagues at work the next day?
Especially if people don't know that you don't know what you don't know?
I mean, c'mon, do you really want to go through the following?
Pamela Wallin: "Okay, panel, you have one hour: Put these four blockbuster Canadian movies in order of their appearances on the screen, fastest time wins: (a) My Grandmother's World War Two Sewing Box, (b) Daddy Died In The Athabaska Tar Sands, (c) Poopy Dog, (d) Broke, Drunk, And Homeless In Carp: A Documentary."
Guesses accepted
Two hours later.
"Panel? Uh, what's that? You've never heard of any of them. Look, take a bloody guess, okay? Somebody hit the stupid button. BZZZZZ! Thank you sir - you're wrong on all of them, but get your butt up here anyway, we've got a show to do.
"What is your name and where are you from? Excuse me, but I'm talking to you. WAKE UP! (Kicks him in the shin). Orville. A civil servant from Ottawa. Wonderful. And just what do you do? Nothing? Oh, well, are you ready to play Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?
"Good, here's your first question for $100. You have all your lifelines intact. What country is immediately north of the United States: (a) South Africa, (b) Rita McNeil, (c) Canada, (d) Prague. It's okay, take your time. Country north of the United States.
"Pardon me? You want to poll the audience? Okay, but only one person is real, the rest are cardboard cutouts. But that's fine, go ahead. BZZZZZ! She says South Africa.
"No? You're not going with that? You thought the answer was TSN? Country north of the United States. For $100. You want the 50-50? Okay, give him the 50-50. BZZZZZ! There it is: (c) Canada, (d) Prague.
"What's that? You read about it somewhere, but can't remember? Country north of the United States. Sir? Sir? WAKE UP! (Kicks him in the shin). Burger King? Sir, read your flippin' monitor.
"Poopy Dog? Sir, it's pronounced Prague, not Poopy Dog. Oh, you meant Poopy Dog. Sir, Poopy Dog was the famous, well-known Canadian movie, not a country - but if you insist, is that your final answer? Oh, you're just musing? Sorry.
"What's that? You thought you read once that it was Baltimore. Sticks in your mind, does it? But then so, too, does Bailey's Irish Cream? On the other hand, you could have sworn it was Rita McNeil. Don't rush, don't rush. Country north of the United States. You have one lifeline left.
"You want to use it, you say? You want to call a friend. Fine. What's the friend's name? John? Okay, let's put that call through to John. RINNNG! Hello, John? Pamela Wallin of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
"We have your friend Orville here and he needs your help. He's stuck on the $100 question. He'll read it to you. Go ahead, Orville, you have an hour and 15 minutes."
Hello, John? Orville here. How's the weather up in Ottawa? Really, eh? No kidding. Did I tell you I planted a tulip last week in my garden? Yep. Took the cat for a walk. Bought a poutine. Hey, is there any score in the hockey game? No? Listen, do me a favour? Can you phone my wife and tell her to get over to the beer store before it closes? Thanks. Okay, here's the question: What country. Is immediately north. Of the United States? Canada or Prague?"
John: "Hah! Dat one heasy my frien.' I ham da hexpert, ya got da 'unnert dollar - KUWAIT."
McRae can be reached at (613) 739-5133, ext. 469 or emailed at earl_mcrae@ottawasun.com
 World Fact Book (CIA)]
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