A rchive Date
[ 27-06-2000 ]
Category
[ Science ]
sub-Categoy
[ Psychology ]
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[Why do women stay with abusive men?
By VALERIE GIBSON
Toronto Sun
December 13, 1998
It never fails.
Whenever there's a story of women suffering abuse in a relationship, the first question that gets asked is "Why do the women stay with these men? Why don't they just leave?"
The question is more often asked by males than females but I sometimes think that's because women don't want to get into the subject. And I suspect that's because they may, deep down, know the answer.
But the whole idea of a woman being abused and still staying with their abuser puzzles most people, especially if the abuse results in severe injury. And when it results in the death of the woman, the puzzled voices raise to a crescendo asking as to why she stayed in such jeopardy or was allowed to remain in jeopardy.
Even more disturbing to those trying to understand is when they hear of women who have fled an abusive relationship only to return to it at a later time.
Of course, it has to be said that most of those asking the questions are people who have never been in an abusive partnership situation.
They feel that if it did happen to them, they would deal with it immediately and firmly. They would leave that person and never go back, perhaps call the police and have the perpetrator charged. And that would be that.
It all sounds so straight forward but, of course, the harsh reality is nowhere near that simple.
I know because I've been there, done that.
I was once in a relationship where I was mentally and physically abused and I stayed far too long in it. What's more, a short time after leaving, I asked to go back!
This probably sounds quite unbelievable to those who know me as a very feisty, independent, strong-willed and successful woman and who would find it impossible to see me as a victim under any circumstance.
But I became a victim at that time and although I finally managed to get out of it and thankfully leave it all behind, it was a painful struggle.
So I completely understand what a lot of women go through in these circumstances.
When abuse starts, it is perhaps (sadly) part of the female psyche to think that it's probably our own fault -- that we are causing it somehow. Call it lack of self esteem or whatever, but that's the first reaction.
We then try to make things right by subjugating ourselves to the abuser. We become subservient and compliant, perhaps to keep the peace or comfort the children and hopefully to lessen the abuse. All in the hope that it will appease the abuser. It rarely does. Often it only makes the abuser more angry and difficult because although they want to demean and belittle us, it is never enough to satisfy their paranoia.
It sounds incredulous to anyone who has never experienced it, but when physical abuse occurs, many women at first think they did something to deserve it and accept it as their punishment. Which totally suits the abuser's purpose.
Mental abuse, although it shows less marks than the physical side of it, can be almost as damaging.
If someone is told often enough and for long enough that they are "useless" or "stupid" or that "no-one would ever want them", they will eventually believe it. This fact is, after all, the knowledge of centuries of those skilled in mental torture.
This is one of the major reasons women find it difficult to leave their abusers. They feel they are incapable of surviving on their own because their mental strength and self-esteem is totally sapped. They believe they will never make it alone.
Worse, they find that if they do find the strength to leave, they often find they are right.
A penniless woman with children finds that life outside a relationship is often a terrifying descent into a world of abject and demeaning poverty for her and her children. Sometimes even an abusive relationship can look good when you are unable to care for, house and feed yourself or your children. Not to mention that society views you as a failure.
This has recently been borne out by statistics from local women's shelters that show that women are increasingly returning to abusive relationships because they cannot survive with their children in the current social system. We should all be deeply ashamed of this situation in such an affluent country.
It was one of the reasons I asked to go back.
After quite a few years of wealth and privilege, I was suddenly plunged into the real world with nothing at all (he managed to grab everything). No money, no possessions, no future (it seemed at the time). It was a nightmare of daily survival and a lesson in the insecurity and harshness of life.
Thank goodness I didn't return because when I regained my sanity and my self-esteem, not to mention landing a wonderful job, I was able to look back in astonishment into that abyss of abuse and wonder how the heck it ever happened to someone like me.
But it did.
And so whenever someone says to me disparagingly "why don't these women do this or that", I always tell them my story and it shuts them up.
Because unless anyone's been in that situation, they can never understand what it's like and how they would react.
I hope you never have to experience it.
Valerie Gibson can be reached by e-mail at vgibson@sunpub.com. ]
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