WordType Designs™
Driven To Distractions©
The Sound of One Hand Clapping©

A rchive Date
[ 23-02-2003 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
      [http://www.canoe.ca/Columnists/dunford_feb23.html

      Reality bites on TV
      If you can't make it on American Idol, The Bachelor, and Are You Hot?, check out this
      By GARY DUNFORD -- Toronto Sun
      February 23, 2003

      FINAL DAZE: Anybody left who still wants to be on TV? Excellent! You may qualify for Page Six's new reality show, Are You Nutz? It's a Search for America's Craziest People! Total whack jobs!

      What hurt would you endure? What humiliation? What shameful degradation of the human spirit? Will you do anything? Promise? Sign our waiver! Are You Nutz? is the reality fad's Ultimate Challenge.

      All you need is an overwhelming desire to tell friends: "Duh, look! I'm on TeeVee."

      Meet your producers: Dana, a woman who has killed six husbands, exquisitely slowly; Spike, our Renaissance man: jailer, welder, electrician, dentist; Dr. Toad, unlicensed medical unprofessional; Socket and Rocket, twin biker chicks from Hell.

      And of course, my own warped self. We wanted Max Haines, but frankly, he scared people.

      With our help, you will be on TV, damnit. Perhaps on the last reality series ever. We'll push the envelope. Go big or go home. To hell with celebrities, so-called survivors, demon bug-chuggers and wimpy daredevils.

      Are You Nutz? will be the last twist in TV's gathering storm cycle. To the edge. And over.
      • We are looking for people who CAN'T SING. So is American Idol. But if you can't hum, we want you. If voices in your head yell so loud it hurts your brain, apply now.
      • We need people SO UGLY, clocks have stopped in their presence. Please, no six packs. No Are You Hot wannabees or Bachlorette firehouse hunks. We seek contestants so unattractive viewers will cry: "I don't care what they do to him." Nobody wants to see cute people hurt.
      • We need people with Really Boring, Soul-Destroying Jobs. No bartenders, models, personal trainers, gym monkeys. If you have any kind of people skill, get lost. Smiles are out. We demand losers, loners and creeps.
      • We seek contestants with -- how shall I put this? -- no reasonable expectation of ever appearing on TV. Our show is for you. The left-overs.

      Do not let the name of our TV production company -- Satan's Cattle Prod -- give you a moment's worry. Viewers will be unable to look away. Lives may be lost. But you'll be on TV at last. After you sign the waiver.

      Unlike TV's other reality shows, no wimpy "rules" will weed out convicted felons, lunatics, troubled teens, angry or estranged stalkers. Unlike mutual funds, we hope prior acts some authority deemed "nutz" are good indicators your participation can make our ratings soar.

      But like Are You Hot?, Survivor, The Bachelor, Idol we do demand the answers to a few leading questions ...
       
      • Would you eat a stick? A candle? Ball bearings? A carpet from Home Depot? Do you think you could beat three billy goats in a timed event?
      • Have you ever stuck a complete fruit or action figure in any body opening other than your mouth? How about sporting equipment?
      • Would you be willing to set off fireworks in a crowded nightclub with a low ceiling, while a video camera records the result? Whoops, I forgot. That's already been done. Scratch the fiery nightclub stunt.
      • Would you rob a bank that might not know you were coming? You'd keep half the money.
      • Would you guard a bank and take down other contestants trying to rob it? You'd keep half the money.
      • Would you videotape this bank shootout for us, since no producer wants to be anywhere near there? Deliver the tape, we'll give you some money.
      • Would you grope and tongue-kiss complete strangers? Even if there's a spider in their mouth? What if we swab their teeth with mystery viral cultures from the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta?
      • How large an object would you let a fellow contestant stick thru you to see the point come out the other side? We were thinking maybe $100 an inch.
      • Would you bungee jump off the CN Tower for $5,000? Or tie another jumper's feet to the bungee cord with slip knots if we give you double?
      • If we tell you the leeches we're feeding you are licorice, will you swallow them? If we take the blindfold off, will you keep eating? Hey, that's nutz.
      • Would you tattoo your own face, using a primitive ink-jet gun and a carnival funhouse mirror? Would you let Mike Tyson do it for you?
       
      Every contestant who survives Are You Nutz? goes on to our championship round, Armageddon. Bigger prizes, more risk, fewer finalists, more fun. Dude, you're getting a Hummer.

      P.S. If you enjoy Joe Millionaire and look like Saddam Hussein, ask us about our hilarious new reality sitcom, Jack Iraq. Will they let Jack into the White House? Will they let him out? Wait and see.

      © 2002 Gary Dunford
      Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at pagesix@aol.com. Or visit his home page. Letters to the editor should be sent to editor@sunpub.com. ]
      Cross-Indexed:

      New document Icon For Real Reality, Try Looking In Your Mirror


Some pages may require Adobe Acrobat Reader™


Copyright and Fair Use Information: The contents of this web site is protected by international copyright laws and may not be reproduced in any form or manner whatsoever, if for the purpose of resale or solicitation of a donation. The essays included here, may be reproduced only if: 1)They are not altered in any way; 2) reproductions must be accompanied by this copyright page ; and 3) it is given freely and without charge.
Fair use: The fair use of copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified in above sections, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright. In determining whether the use made of a work in any particular case is fair use the factors to be considered include : (1) the purpose and character of the use, including whether the use is of a commercial nature or is for nonprofit educational purposes; (2) the nature of the copyrighted work; (3) the amount and substantiality of the portion used in relation to the copyrighted work as a whole, and; (4) the effect of the use upon the potential market value of the copyrighted work.
Home | About Narrative? |Contact
Copyright © 2025. All Rights Reserved
HAG122125 (1998 -2026)