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[http://www.canoe.ca/Columnists/jenkinson.html
Chocolate fries kill evolution dead
By MICHAEL JENKINSON -- Edmonton Sun
February 18, 2002
A recent conference of pointy heads in England debated whether human evolution has come to an end. Arguing the case that yes, indeed, Darwin has jumped off this particular wagon train was Steven Jones of University College in London.
"If you want to know what Utopia is like, just look around - this is it," he said, which for him must be real downer, because for him, Utopia looks an awful lot like London. "Things have simply stopped getting better, or worse, for our species."
Prof. Jones says that in the Western world, everyone's genes make it to the next generation, not just those who have best adapted to their environment.
So there are no natural advantages the next generation has over this one, with the noted exception that the next generation always seems to be able to fix the problems we're having on our computers better than we can.
PROF. JONES MISSED THE POINT
With all due respect for Prof. Jones, he's missed the point. Human evolution peaked a while ago and has been going downhill ever since. The proof of that? Chocolate french fries.
Yes. H. J. Heinz Co., the same company which brought us purple and green ketchup, will mark the arrival of "Funky Fries" this spring, a french-fry product that will come in a variety of colours and flavours, including a seasoned blue fry, a cinnamon-and-sugar fry, and "Cocoa Crispers," the soon-to-be-infamous chocolate french fry.
Said a company spokesman, "We asked the kids what would make them want to eat more french fries."
Yes, because if there's one big gap in the diet of children, it's french fries. Between all the sodas, chocolate bars and nacho chips they consume while playing Death Blood Murder Slayer XXXIII, it's a wonder they ever get any fries into them at all.
No wonder the counter clerks at all the fast-food burger joints ask you if you want fries with that: they're just trying to fill that important deep-fried starch gap recommended by Dr. Nick Riviera on The Simpsons.
It seems obvious from this vantage point (which would be sitting in front of my computer terminal) that if the best humankind can do to improve our varied and nuanced tastes of and appreciations for the subtle intricacies of food is to come up with a variation of chocolate syrup poured on a baked potato, then Darwin might as well just burn The Origin of Species right now. Which he would, except he's dead.
But that doesn't change the point that human evolution is over, folks! Not to mention that after too many chocolate french fries, there won't be a next generation for all of us to pass our genes to: they'll all die at 16 of massive cardiac arrest.
Actually, it's not just chocolate french fries that have put the kibosh on human evolution. Frozen waffles with built-in jam are also to blame.
LOST THE ABILITY TO MAKE WAFFLES
This is because human beings have not only lost the ability to make their own waffles from scratch, or even from a mix, but now lack the necessary motor skills to put jam on a frozen waffle that has been heated in a toaster.
We now need big multinational corporations to put the jam on for us - except packaging waffles with jam on top is too messy, so the big multinational corporation was thoughtful enough to put the jam inside the waffle.
All of which is, quite frankly, good ammunition for those many Sun readers who sent letters over the last couple of weeks annoyed that I had the audacity to write an editorial saying that human lives were more important than animal lives.
I have to concede one point to them: never in nature have I seen a bear purchase a pre-cooked, rice-stuffed salmon that is ready to eat out of the box. (Oh sure, occasionally at the zoo you'll see a bear microwave a bag of popcorn, but only to throw it at the tourists.)
Which does gives the animals an evolutionary advantage over humans these days: they still know how to kill their food. Apparently, human evolution - at least in the Western world - has slid to the point that soon we'll have trouble chewing our food.
Frankly, human evolution has regressed so far that we're now at grave risk of being conquered by aphids, although they'd be in for a fight, because you can swallow an aphid without chewing.
Michael Jenkinson can be reached by e-mail at mj@the-newsroom.com. His homepage is at http://www.the-newsroom.com. Letters to the editor should be sent to letters@edm.sunpub.com.
 World Fact Book (CIA)]
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