A rchive Date
[ 12-02-2003 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Mass Media ]
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[http://www.canoe.ca/Columnists/dunford_feb11.html
It's leaf blowers that aid terrorists
SUVs the culprit? Not by a mile
By GARY DUNFORD - Toronto Sun
February 11, 2003 BAD MONKEY: I am your worst nightmare, baby. I am the gorilla in your mist. I am a badass and one lousy citizen. I drive an SUV. My Cherokee is why we're gonna kick ass - at whatever cost - in Iraq. Feed it, you bastards. A buck a litre? Two? Eat up, little sport utes.
Sport utility vehicles are just plain evil. It's SUVs that make the news such a rotten read this morning. It's why the Leafs suck. Three letters too. SUV? GST. That says it all.
SUVs are why Mike Jackson thinks he's Peter Pan. It's why your kid has zits. SUVs are the only reason City Hall can't make Jarvis St. ALL bike lanes ALL the time. Go on, hate me. Do I care? Lick my armpit.
Me and my greedy ride speed up Global Warming, which is why King Winter tried to kill ya when you opened the door today. We're gonna freeze to death if the planet gets much warmer. I hope a few live to see summer.
Face it: people who drive smaller cars are kinder, gentler - hell, they're just nicer people. Why the double pup tractor-trailers drive right over 'em on the 400, I don't know. They probably shouldn't do that.
Ya see tiny car roadkill in ditches along the 401, like dead armadillos in Texas. You truckers oughta be ashamed. There are critters in those gormless eco-rides and sedans. At least honk first.
But hey, Sparky, look on the bright side! More room for SUVs! Three, maybe four chevrons! Space for doin' wheelies. Surer stops on ice.
Yeehaw! Beep beep! Sport ute comin' thru!
The day you see me take the King streetcar to the Yonge subway to the Bloor subway to the Bathurst bus to get to York University will be your last day on earth. You'll be dead. And I'll still be payin' $30 for parking.
Oh sure, I've seen the short-lived Yankee TV spots that claim anybody who drives a sports utility vehicle is Helping The Terrorists. Concocted by Ariana Huffington - such a loon that even the National Post takes a pass on her column - she'd have you believe SUVs' hungry oil habits assist al-Qaida.
Bullroar!
SUVs are driven by patriots. Cool dudes who will be pressed into service to rush you nellies to emergency when the dirty bomb goes off some morning.
Should our roads be ruled by Sidekicks, Trackers and Neons with a couple of kayaks or a dozen sheets of plywood tied to the roof with string? Ye gods. My heart goes out to you. Make a will. Don't drive behind one.
Fact: SUVs love Canada and America. SUVs are everything good - overspending at the mall, hockey practices and first snows. They're screamin' kids, big dogs and hot apple pie. If a runaway dump truck flips on an expressway ramp, there's a good chance you'll only be crippled for life.
Fact: It's leaf blowers that help terrorists.
Think about it. SUVs happily take their owners from here to there. But leaf blowers move leaves from here to there, where they instantly blow back here. Fire up a leaf blower and blow them from here to there again. Ten minutes later, they're back here again. The leaves will do this as long as the idiot with the leaf blower can hold the stupid device. Duh!
Run a leaf-blower long enough, the operator turns into a zombie, incapable of reason or even making a fist. There are studies. Proof of da proof.
And what about these SUV-hating evangelists who wonder What Would Jesus Drive? Are you gonna risk their guidance? These are the same pastors whose ministries run on a mistress, a six-pack and a prayer. Perhaps you've seen them weeping on Larry King. After their chauffeur quit.
I trust George Bush to set the record straight on SUVs soon. No doubt the president will speak at a prayer breakfast, where he makes his most important announcements. God likes sports utes. Much prefers them, in fact. God hated his old Fiat. Who didn't?
As Garrison Keillor claims: "Prayer is a different thing for Republicans than it is for the rest of us. Republicans believe you ask God to make clear to others what He's made clear to you." A-men to that, brother.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. That's a Sport Ute's Prayer. Forgive us our $39 fills, especially now that they cost closer to $50. Air pollution? Global warming? Oil dependency? Just shut up. Don't show me no weenie New York Times editorial.
Go pick on a pickup truck. Sneer at a snowmobile. Blame the leaf blowers for 9/11. Leave us SUV guys alone. You ain't the boss of me. Go fish. Have a nice day.
"You're kiddin', right Dunf?" I hear you ask.
Oh yeah. Absolutely. Fill 'er up.
© 2002 Gary Dunford
Reach Dunf at (416) 947-2246 or by e-mail at pagesix@aol.com. Or visit his home page. Letters to the editor should be sent to editor@sunpub.com. ]
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