A rchive Date
[ 10-09-2000 ]
Category
[ International Relations ]
sub-Categoy
[ Canada ]
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[Does a B.C. bar's Win Boobs contest insult women & pander to the worst in men?
With Ross McLennan and Lyn Cockburn
By LYN COCKBURN - Winnipeg Sun
September 10, 2000
A Maple Ridge, B.C. bar is running a contest which offers breast implants as its prize.
Tommy's Bar and Grill is offering $3,000 in its Win Boobs contest and, so far, more than 3,000 entries have been dropped into the ballot box. Some men have entered their girlfriends' names. The bar's Web site announces, "Tommy's is offering to you the chance of a lifetime. You have a shot at winning BOOBS. That is right, you did read correctly."
I sneer. I laugh. I thumb my nose. I jeer. I mock such a picayune contest. Tommy's tournament is a nothing of a joust, a mere piffle of a competition.
Women do not need breast enlargements. Women are beautiful and perfect as they are without any improvement whatsoever - either physically or mentally. Ignore everything Ross says to the contrary, he knows nothing.
We are, to a woman, all bright, beautiful and as bodacious as God in Her wisdom intended. Would that the same could be said of men. It can't. It can't especially of Ross.
Many men are, and I'm being delicate here because my cousin once told me guys are sensitive about such things, slightly deficient in the Dangly Bits department. (Here I must admit I have no knowledge whatsoever about Ross since, out of deference to his privates, I mean privacy, I would not so much as ask. Ever.)
Worse is the fact that, unlike women, men can cover up their deficiencies or, should they wear a bikini at the beach, can award new meaning to the phrase "Put a sock in it."
The point is that for all the talk of padded bras, women cannot fake it in the breast department when the slightest bit of cleavage is required. An evening gown, a bathing suit, a skimpy T-shirt will give the game away before the starter's pistol goes off. And speaking of bathing suits, divine assistance will not help the normal woman who tries to appear excessively well endowed in a bikini.
Men, however, need only wear loose jeans or baggy khakis, which are in style anyway, and who's to know if their appendages would be found wanting should they ever see the light of day? Moreover, while it is considered sort of OK (because so many men do it) for men to stare at women's chests, the opposite is not true. Women are not given licence to stare at men's crotches.
This is why baseball players continually clutch their nether parts during games - because they know women won't watch them do it, and all the other guys are doing it, and so it's OK. The truth is that women do watch but they're not allowed to let on that they do. Remember the Roseanne incident?
Have you ever seen a woman walking down the street rearranging her breasts to rest more comfortably in her bra - or just to make sure they're still there? Of course you haven't. We don't do that.
Men do. Colleagues, strangers, relatives, CEOs, truckdrivers, they walk towards you and absent mindedly rearrange, check, get in touch with, discover their genitals. Either they are totally unaware that they're doing it or they think it's normal. Equally normal is their belief that women don't watch them do it or will never let on that they do. See Roseanne above.
The point here is that with all that touching and rearranging and stuff, you'd think men would know they need dick enlargements.
Nope. They're too busy obsessing about women's breasts.
I am here to right this wrong.
On Sept. 15, I'm opening Lyn's Bistro and the first thing I'm going to do after serving free cranberry juice and blueberry bagels with light cream cheese is announce a contest called Get Dick.
I am offering $5,000 towards a penis implant. That's $2,000 more than those cheap so-and-sos at Tommy's Bar and Grill in B.C. And, in the interests of several lucky women, I am offering this prize to 10 lucky winners.
So girls, as of Sept. 15 you can enter your boyfriends' or husbands' names.
And guys, you think most men are O.K. in the Dangly Bits department? Not so. Why do you think feminist icon Gloria Steinem waited until she was 66 to get married? Took her that long to find a man with ... do I gotta spell this out?
For the rest of you guys there is hope. Drop by Lyn's Bistro on Sept. 15 and enter the Get Dick contest. Contest ends Oct. 1, 2000.
By ROSS MCLENNAN - Winnipeg Sun
Unlike all the women who entered that contest to win breast implants, I have something to get off my chest.
Which is that I will not descend to Lyn Cockburn's level - that is, below the waist. That's where she spends most of her time during the indignant and nit-wit tit-fit she throws on the other side of the page.
Cockburn was goaded into near apoplexy by the news Tommy's Bar and Grill in Maple Ridge, B.C., is offering breast implants as the prize in its Win Boobs contest (not Win Lubes contest, as we had to explain to an excited and semi-moronic newsroom car enthusiast).
Cockburn immediately reverted to the archetypal feminist knee-jerk reaction and jerked her knee straight up into the male animal's most sensitive area. His priceless and irreplaceable family jewels.
First, however, she makes the astounding statement that God (a female, of course, who, I would imagine, looks like the poster babe for the B-movie Attack Of The 50-Foot Woman) made all women flawless from the get-go. Which will be big news to all the women who shell out billions and billions of bucks every year to buy the myriad of snake-oils which cosmetic companies promise will transform them from scrags into sex-pots.
Fresh from the beauty parlour, her lipstick-adorned lips set in a grim smile, her earrings glinting in the flicker of a faltering fluorescent light fixture and her fingernail polish flashing as she pecks viciously at her keyboard, Lyn writes, "women are beautiful and perfect as they are without any improvement whatsoever."
Well, that would probably go down well with a man-bashing coven of feminoids during their bi-monthly confab somewhere in deepest and leafiest Wolseley ("Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble ... ").
But dollars to whole-wheat bagels, each one of those hairy-legged sad sacks began that same day by gazing into the bathroom mirror and wondering if there was anything left in Revlon's vast stores that could change her from Cinderella to Cindy Crawford.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Lyn and her ilk, however, think so and would rather blather their way into that incredible state of mind that proclaims every woman beautiful rather than admit there comes a time - sooner or later - when every one of them glances in the mirror and utters the beautician's equivalent to that famous automobile body-shop motto: "Oh, oh, better get Maaco."
If the bodywork required includes breast implants, why not? Especially, as Lyn herself admits, nothing else will do if the slightest hint of cleavage is required and a woman just doesn't have the goods. Besides, if a woman's body is her own, why not bulk up the ol' mammary glands if that will help encourage some eager sap to have his way with it?
Which is precisely why people such as Lyn object to the breast-implant contest. It's just another example of pandering to men and their breast fetish. Woman, they say, should not have to emphasize a body part merely because men have a sick fascination with it.
That sick-fascination thing isn't true. It is true. To some extent. To quite an extent. Maybe even quite a large extent.
"Ah, most of them aren't even real," I scoffed, as a colleague and I gaped at the creamy melons of a Sun girl displayed upon a newsroom monitor.
"Who cares?" he said, proving that men are not just beasts, but poor, stupid, deluded beasts. And know it. And don't give a damn.
On the other hand, Lyn writes, while men are allowed - encouraged even - to stare at women's breasts, women are not supposed to gape at men's crotches. The assumption that women never look, she says, is why baseball players - in fact, all men - routinely adjust their geniticular equipment in public.
I'll take her word for it they do. But if they do, it's not because they think women aren't looking. It's simply for the same reason dogs lick themselves - because they can. After all, what's there for women to juggle? They can try, but they'll come up empty-handed every time.
Well, now I broke my promise not to hit below the belt like Lyn does. Still, she's right. If breasts are a sexual characteristic that can be enhanced, why not penises? In fact, the contest in B.C. is open to men and women, the prize being any plastic surgery the winner may choose.
Mine, of course, would involve a reduction rather than enlargement.
I'm talking a tummy tuck, you sexist pig.
Letters to the editor should be sent to editor@wpgsun.com.
 World Fact Book (CIA)]
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